What I know..

Zora Neale Hurston wrote, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” For me, this has been a year that asks questions. I quit my job in August and decided to go to Guatemala for two months. The plan sounded well thought out. I would go and learn the language, to come back and find a job using the said newly acquired language in the social work field. I had saved enough money to pay for my bills while I was away, as well as live while I was in Guatemala. The logistics were covered.

But as I am learning, I can have the head knowledge all figured out and sometimes my heart just won’t keep up. My time in Guatemala was hard. Probably because if I am being honest, Guatemala was an escape- an escape that I didn’t spend much time praying about, but sounded really good in theory- an escape that wasn’t even an escape at all. Prior to going to Guatemala, I was feeling unsettled in my life, in almost every area. I was questioning God because I felt as though I kept showing up and He was nowhere to be found. I told myself that would all change in Guatemala. Guatemala, of course, was the answer to everything. It turns out it wasn’t.

I cried a lot in Guatemala. I felt more alone than I’ve ever felt before. I felt like an inconvenience to my host family and my emotional and mental health was completely depleted. If prior to going to Guatemala, I felt as though God was nowhere to be found. While I was there, I was certain He had turned his back on me and I couldn’t even bring myself to pray about it. Laura Winner writes, “But the simple truth is that when you don’t know what you believe and you don’t know where you are or you think you’ve been deluded or abandoned or you’ve glutted yourself with busyness and you are hiding from yourself or the day has just been too long- if that is who and how you are, prayer sounds like a barefoot hike up a Volcano: it would be nice if you got there, you are sure there is a nice view at the top waiting for you, but there is really no way you can imagine actually making the walk.”

And that’s how I felt, every day, not just the day we decided to actually hike a volcano and that’s how now being back in the States, in a time of transition, I still feel. It’s how I feel when I read the news and see the hateful responses to refugees or another name has become a hashtag. It’s how I feel when parents are arrested for the death of their 3 year old baby. It’s how I feel when towns are devastated by natural disasters or a family is broken. This God life sounds great and I’m sure it’s going to be worth it, but how long oh Lord must we actually make the walk?

I’m learning though that too often I think I’m making the walk alone. It’s easy to think God must not be present when things are hard if you’ve been taught that God’s goodness is seen only in the tangible: health, money, success, etc. It’s easy to be mad at God when you aren’t getting your own way if you’ve been taught that following Him equates to your best life now. It’s easy to think the Light of the World has abandoned you when you find yourself in darkness. But God doesn’t leave us in the darkness.

I went to a conference months ago and the speaker talked about a young girl who had committed suicide and the scared youth leader who called him, not knowing what to say to the rest of the youth group. The speaker said the youth leader said multiple times, I just don’t know what to say. The speaker asked “What do you know?” and the youth leader’s response has stuck with me. She said, “I don’t know why she did it and I don’t know how she did it, but I do know that my Jesus was sitting there with her the whole time.”

And the whole room cried, because the Jesus who doesn’t leave us in the darkness is the Jesus who is the hope of the world.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes, “Even when light fades and darkness falls- as it does every single day, in every single life- God does not turn the world over to some other deity. Even when you cannot see where you are going and no one answers when you call, this is not sufficient proof that you are alone. There is a divine presence that transcends all your ideas about it, along with all your language for calling it to your aid, which is not above using darkness as the wrecking ball that brings all your false gods down- but whether you decide to trust the witness of those who have gone before you, or you decide to do whatever it takes to become a witness yourself, here is the testimony of faith: darkness is not dark to God; the night is as bright as the day.”

While Guatemala may have been and this transitioning season might also be a season laced with darkness, while the world is full of heartbreaking news, while nations rage and kingdoms plot in vain, while sickness sometimes wins and marriages sometimes end: I don’t know the reasons why. In fact, I don't know much, but I do know that Jesus is sitting with us the whole time and the darkness isn’t even dark to Him and that is my hope.

3 Weeks Down

Today marks the beginning of week 4 in Guatemala, which means there are 31 more days left of this adventure and to be honest, I am counting.

It’s not that I don’t like it here. It’s just that it’s not my home. It’s also that I had romanticized this experience in my mind. It was a new beginning, a fresh start, an adventure.

And I guess it is still those things, but not in the way that I imagined it to be. Not at all at the fault of Guatemala. The country is beautiful and the people are incredibly gracious and kind. The school I am attending is my favorite part about the whole experience. I enjoy the teachers and the learning process and even though it’s hard to learn a new language, it’s the good kind of hard.

I read a quote the other night that talked about when our hopes and wants don’t match up with the reality and how that it’s not wrong to want something, “but that a whole lot of life is spent picking up the pieces of any number of fantasies we’ve really wanted to believe.” The chapter ended with “I’m still hoping for a happy ending, but if there is one, it will be a little off-kilter and not nearly as tidy and poetic as I’d hoped. It will carry inside it a whole lot of tears and longing, and a few good lessons learned watching the lake one Saturday afternoon.”

And I think that’s where I’m at. And maybe I will be quite literally as after the last week of school, we are going to lake for the weekend and I actually will be spending a Saturday afternoon there.

I’m not sure what the purpose of this trip is and I’m not sure I will know, but I’m confident that it wasn’t what I thought it was: to learn Spanish for a future job. I think it’s more about being broken down and having the things I hold hardest onto be stripped away and realize that I’m still standing, even if it’s less sturdy.

If at the end of 2 months that’s all I’ve learned, maybe “vale la pena” still.

It’s going to be a choice that I have to make consciously, but  I’ll try to “to choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn’t the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are.”

In the meantime, here are some things I love about Xela:

•     The school (I love the teachers and the process and some of the afternoon activities)
•     La Chatia Artesana (It’s a café where we spend all our free time. The workers are super friendly, the coffee is good, and food is so fresh and tasty.)
•  Walking everywhere (I love that everywhere is a walk away and I like being outside.)
• The views (the mountains and volcanoes are quite spectacular)
•  The roof of the school (it’s a great place for the 30 minute school breaks we get each day)
• Wifi (although limited, it’s keeping me connected with those I love most- I know that wifi is a lame thing to love, but I love it all the same.)
• Empanadas and avocados 
• The kids in Huehue, but they aren't in Xela so I don't get to see them really ever.

My wise buddy (woo, woo)  told me that not everything that is hard is bad and that pretty much sums up this experience. It’s hard, but it’s not bad.

And the happy ending is there, I just can’t see it from where I am right now.

But it’s there.

What the heck am I doing??!!

I've read all the sayings about doing things scared.

"It's okay to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave."

"If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try" 

"Everything worth doing starts with being scared." 

And while those are all really great sentiments, they don't stop me from being a little bit scared.

They don't stop me from asking the question "What the heck am I doing?"

And if you've read this far, I bet you are also now wondering what the heck am I doing and the point of this post is to tell you, so let's carry on warriors.

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Last week I resigned from my job as Director of Youth Ministry at First Pres. in Pittsford. I've been there for a little over a year and have met some incredible people. The church not only states that their mission is to be "a caring community, growing spiritually as disciples of Jesus Christ" where "together we spread the good news of Jesus through worship, fellowship, education, prayer, and especially mission"...

They live it.

And it's been an incredible thing to watch unfold week after week. It's been a privilege to learn and relearn just how beautiful a church community can be

And I resigned. What the heck am I doing?

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In the last year, I have moved into a little apartment on the westside that I love. It's quiet and just the right size for all my stuff (although the closet could be a little bit bigger :) ). It suites me quite well and there is an added bonus that my best friends are practically my neighbors.

In the last year, the gas tank also fell right out of my car due to a rusted bottom and after the mechanic advised me that parts would most likely continue to fall out, I bought a 2012 Kia Soul. It's been wonderful not to have to get work done on my car each week. I bet my mechanic misses me..

Anyway, both of these large financial decisions were made because I had a job that could support the monthly payments of these new endeavors.

The job that I just resigned from.

And yet my plan is to keep both the apartment and the car. What the heck am I doing?

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In March, I went to Guatemala to visit one of my best friends. He works with a school and an orphanage in Hue Hue and I fell in love. With the country. With the language. With the people. And mostly with the kids.

The kids who sat on my lap during school, who never let my hands go unheld, who braided my hair and checked me for lice, who laughed at my spanish, who swam with me in the hot springs and giggled with me over caca-chinos, who left their fingerprints all over my phone and who made me bracelets that still grace my wrists, who cried when I left and told me it was cockroaches in their eyes and who made me have cockroaches in my own. The kids who stole my hats and my heart.

Oh, and it was nice to see Mark too.

I loved my time there, but two weeks is my travel capacity. Many people probably know that I love to travel, but less know that I have crazy travel worries. Not about the plane or the fact that 50% of the time I travel, I pass out. Not about the language barrier or the fact that sometimes I might not be staying in the safest places. Not about the money or that I might have to shower with hot pots or that I have to wait for a kid to be done eating so I can use his fork because their isn't enough or that I might get sick when I return. None of that worries me. I worry about things back home. I get incredibly anxious that when I come back, things aren't going to be the same and mostly that my friends are all going to forget me. I said "crazy travel worries" but even so, the worries put my travel capacity at 2 weeks and that's pushing it.

So when I say that I am going back to Guatemala for 2 months in August, I also ask what the heck am I doing?

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But I am going back and I am departing from the city that holds the majority of the people that I love most, my apartment and my car, and all that makes financial sense on August 17th and to be honest, it's scary. But it's also exhilarating. 

I will spend the first two weeks that I am there visiting Mark and the kids in Hue Hue that I met in March. I can't wait to kiss Diego's face off and snuggle Antonio. I can't wait for them to steal my sweaters and wear them, even though it's 80 degrees and 12 times too big for them. I can't wait to see their smiles. I can't wait to hear their laughs. I can't wait for our broken english and spanish conversations. I can't wait to spend more time with them.

After the first two weeks, I will then head off to language school in Xela. It's about 2 hours away from the orphanage. I will stay with a host family there and go to school during the week. On the weekends, I plan to return to Hue Hue and hang out with Mark and the kids. I also have big plans to go kayaking at the most beautiful lake. This will be my rhythm for 5 weeks before I return back to Hue Hue to round out my trip and hopefully be able to tell the kids in less broken spanish that they are the bees knees and the bus drivers that I'll probably faint on the bus, but please keep driving without needing a note.

It's scary leaving what I know and what's comfortable to head to another country. It's scary not knowing what comes after. It's scary not knowing if my bills are going to be able to get paid. It's scary not knowing.

But I think it would be more scary to not risk it all and wish I had for the rest of my life than to stay. So that is what the heck I am doing.

Prayers coveted. :)

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Become Like Little Children

I have this friend who makes me get why Jesus tells us to become like little children.

And it’s not because she’s a little child herself.

It’s because she teaches me so much about loving others, without condition or agenda. 

One night when I was spending time with this little friend, she was being exceptionally sweet and the hugs she was lavishing on me were reaching all the way to my heart. So, as I pushed her around the neighborhood in the stroller, I thanked her.  I said something along the lines of “thank you for being so sweet to me tonight. It’s making my heart very happy. I have had a few sad nights so it means a lot to me.” And this kid, without missing a beat, asks “Why have you been sad?”

Let me take a second to say that, I’m 26 and often don’t have the guts to ask follow up questions like that because I’m too fearful that I’m not going to be able to handle the answer or I’m not going to know how to respond once I hear the answer, but this 4 year old, without hesitation asks. She isn’t concerned about herself in the conversation or how what I might say might affect her. She simply wants to know why I’m sad.

So I answer. In the most kid-friendly honest way I know how. “Sometimes I believe lies that I know aren’t true, but my body feels like they are true anyway. Sometimes I think my friends think mean things even though it’s not true.” 

And this kid turns in the stroller to look at me and says “ No.

 I am your friend and I don’t think mean things.”

I can’t write that sentence without getting teary. 

 

And in the actual moment, I don’t just get teary. I cry at how sweet her simple answer is and I say “Thanks for being my friend” except I don’t actually get through that sentence because I’m all choked up by this little 4 year old speaking life.

 

And she continues “And if you have a sad night, you can come visit me in the morning because I’m your friend.” And then she stops the stroller, lifts up her hands, and says “hug.” 

 

Who is this kid?! And how can I be more like her?

 

How I want to be someone who doesn’t look away when stuff is hard, but rather TURNS towards it and speaks life right into it.  Someone who turns toward it and isn’t afraid to touch it. Someone who is willing to enter in the hard stuff and not just sit around for the good stuff.

 “Become like little children…”, yeah, this kid makes me get it.

Okay, now fast forward to a couple weeks later and I’m standing at the bottom of the stairs at this kid’s house and she is showing me princess dresses and asking me for my thoughts on which one she should wear. She doesn’t know it but I’ve had a few sleepless nights and been having a battle in my mind that I feel like I’m losing and in the middle of a conversation about “the pink dress or the blue dress”, she stops and says “Are you sad?”

 

Um, what? How did you come up with that question from me saying blue?

And that’s how I respond. “What made you ask me that?”

“Your voice sounded sad.”

“Oh.”

I was too surprised to say anything else. This little heard something in my voice that seemed off so she asked. She didn’t dance around the subject or avoid it, she just asked.

How many times don’t I ask? How many times am I too preoccupied with “pink or blue” to hear the sound in someone else’s voice?  How many people are waiting to be asked and never are? Lord, give me the eyes to see and the ears to hear…

I never answered other than “Oh” but a couple hours later, during rest time, I’m laying on the couch and this little girl sneaks up to me and when I say Hi, she responds with “you doing okay?”

 

….Little girl, I’m doing a whole lot better because of you. 

This kid makes me get why Jesus says to become like little children.

Lord, help me love like a 4 year old.

An Invitation

Hello friends!

I’m so glad that you stumbled upon this page because I have such an exciting opportunity to share with you. As I mentioned in my last post, I had the privilege of interning at Rehema Home for the past year. Rehema Home is a nonprofit organization that cares for orphans in Kenya. They currently have two homes. One is located in the capital city, Nairobi, and the other home is in a more rural setting, Bukura. Between the two homes, Rehema is home to over 100 children.

This pictures was taken in Kigali, Rwanda.
Rwanda is where I first fell in love with the continent of Africa.

For the past year, I’ve been interning at their U.S office located in Penfield, NY. The office functions to fundraise and bring awareness for the work being done in Kenya. I loved my time interning with the organization and believe so strongly in the work they are doing in Africa which is why I am pleased to say that at the end of my internship, they invited me to join the team and I gladly accepted.

I will be working at the Penfield office and assisting in the efforts to continue to raise funds and support for both the Homes and future expansion opportunities for the organization. It is an exciting time of growth for Rehema Home and I can’t wait to see all that God does and continues to do.

While I am excited for the work that is happening at Rehema Home, I am also excited about the season I am personally in because I know that it is a season where I will be stretched and challenged. In this position, I am raising my own monthly financial support, as a home-based missionary. This is a large step of faith and calls me out of my comfort zone, but I am confident that God will provide and am excited to see how He will grow me in the process.

I’d love for you to invite you to join my financial support team. You can do so here. My goal is to raise $2000/month. All donations are tax deductible:

Payment options

Option 1 : $25.00 USD - monthly Option 2 : $35.00 USD - monthly Option 3 : $40.00 USD - monthly Option 4 : $50.00 USD - monthly Option 5 : $65.00 USD - monthly Option 6 : $75.00 USD - monthly Option 7 : $100.00 USD - monthly Option 8 : $150.00 USD - monthly Option 9 : $200.00 USD - monthly Option 10 : $250.00 USD - monthly

Or you can write checks payable to Rehema Home, with a note saying that it is to support me. My name can't go on the check. Checks can be mailed to:

Rehema Home
3295 Fairway 6
Macedon, NY 14502

If you are local to the Rochester area, I’d love to take you out to coffee and share more about Rehema with you and answer any questions that you may have. If you’re out of town, I’d be happy to set up a phone call to do the same. You can connect with me at joelle@rehemahome.org. 

I also would appreciate prayer support. In fact, I covet your prayers because I know that without them none of this is possible. I am trusting God for divine appointments and provision and am so thankful that I am placing my trust in a promise keeper. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I hope to hear from you.

Also, you can learn more about the awesome work Rehema is doing at: www.rehemahome.org/

A Story

For those of you who don't know, I've had the privlege of interning with Rehema Home for the past year. Rehema Home is a nonprofit organization that cares for orphans in Kenya. There are currently two homes and over 100 children, with smiles that will melt your heart. For more on Rehema, you should swing by www.rehemahome.org or find them on facebook at Rehema Home Orphanage. It's an incredible organization doing incredible work. I bragged all year long that I thought I was at the best internship placement possible, because I was.

The story of how I ended up interning with Rehema Home, for me, is a tangible example of God's faithfulness. So that's the story I would like to share.

Each year in the MSW program, which is the program I have been in for the past 2 years and recently graduated from, students complete internships. Students sit down with the field director and discuss their career interests and what they would like out of an internship and then the field director sends the students 2 or 3 contacts from different organizations for the student to connect with and set up an interview. After my initial meeting, I was sent one contact, with a note that if I was not interested in that one, she would look for more contacts in my areas of interest and get back to me. In the fields I was interested in, there weren't too many options.

So I contacted the organization that she had gave me and set up an interview. After the interview, the woman who interviewed me told me that if I was interested in interning there, all I had to do was return paperwork back within 2 weeks and I would be all set. And because I wanted to be done with the whole finding an internship process and liked the organization, I accepted and returned the paperwork, even though I had no peace about it and felt really unsettled in my decision.

Now, fast forward a few months and I haven't heard anything back from the woman and because it nearing the time that school started back up again, I began to get nervous. I sent a few e-mails and contacted the field director to let her know I was having difficulty getting in touch with the organization. Within those few months of not hearing anything back, I also had the opportunity to go back to Rwanda and fell in love with Africa all over again. Therefore, in my moments of nervousness due to lack of response, I started to wonder if there were any organizations in the Rochester area that worked with Africa that had interns. I know what you're thinking, probably not.

I thought it too, but then I remembered my mom told me that she had talked to a family friend who pastors a church and had mentioned a few organizations that work with Africa so I contacted the family friend and asked. She sent me back 2 organization names, which I googled and emailed that night inquirying.

The one organization told me that they were a very small organization and were unable to accept interns at this time. The other organization was Rehema Home and the communication's director, Lance, e-mailed me back and we set up a time to meet for coffee and discuss the possibility.

After meeting for coffee, I knew I wanted to intern there and be a part of the work they were doing in Kenya. The day after our coffee meeting, the field director at Roberts told me she had gotten in contact with the organization I had previously accepted the internship with and they had told her that the woman who was supposed to supervise me had lost her job and there was no longer an internship opportunity there and that she would send me other places to pursue. I told her about Rehema Home and how if that would meet all the school's requirements, I would like to intern there (after Rehema confirmed that it was an option, of course).

The field director was not sure it would meet all the requirments, but told me that I could pursue it and try. One of the requirments that the internship did not meet is that there was not a licensensed social worker on staff to supervise me for an hour each week, which is required in the MSW program, but the field director told me that if I could find an off-site supervisor and meet all the learning objectives, I could intern there. So I began the hunt for a supervisior.

I asked 5 people and got 5 no's, with good reasons but I was running out of professors and contacts to ask. And surprisnlgy I wasn't worried, ever since that intital coffee with Lance I had a peace about interning there and knew it would work out. The 6th person I asked said that they would not leave me hanging, but they thought there was a better fit than them that I should contact. I contacted the person they suggested and she said she would do it and I honestly don't think I could have had a better person for the role.

So after dotting all the i's and crossing the t's in the paperwork, I was able to intern there and it was an incredible year. I feel privileged to have been part of the team and sincerely believe it is one of the best run organizations around. The people that I got to work with each day are some of the most life-speaking, affirming people I know. When people asked me about my internship, one of my responses most often was that I love it there for so many reasons, but the greatest being that there can be a day where we don't mention the name of Jesus out loud, but there is never a day where I didn't see Him exemplified. It truly was the best internship.


And the best part is, even now after school is done, I still get to be a part, but that's another blog post. I love recalling this story and the process of becoming an intern at Rehema because it reminds me that God's plans for me are good and that He is faithful. That even in the unanswered e-mails and phone calls and even in the no's one after other, He is on my side. The verse that has rang through my ears so many times this past year is Ephesians 3:20, which talks about how God is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine.

All I wanted was an internship to meet the program's requirements and what I got was way more than anything I asked for or imagined could happen.

And for that, I'm beyond thankful.

I saw Jesus

Sometimes emotions hit hard.

Maybe it was watching my little sister be excited to participate in the Special Olympics. Maybe it was seeing people spontaneously decide to be baptized and celebrating their decision with them. Maybe it was the gentle breeze, sun setting, and the blasting of Kim Walker's "Still Believe" on the drive home. Or maybe, I'm just overtired.

But tonight, emotions are hitting hard.

And the greatest emotion of them all is an overwhelming sense of thankfulness.

There were moments throughout the year where I felt like God was silent. Moments where I felt like I was sitting on the sidelines, discontent with where I was at. Moments where I felt inadequate or like I would never measure up. Moments where I longed for Light to invade darkness. You know the moments- We all have them. Moments where we are desperate to see Jesus.

And when I look back on the year, it takes my breath away. Because in so many faces. In so many conversations. In so many experiences- I saw Him.

And  I'm so thankful because when I look back, specifically in those moments, it's impossible for me not to recognize that He has always been closer than my breath. Always. I'm thankful that the love of God is unconditional. That He is patient with me over and over again. I'm thankful for His grace and that His promises are yes and amen. I'm thankful that the Creator of every star in the sky, knows everything about me, EVERYTHING, and still delights in calling me His. And He always will.

He always will.

How could I ever ask for anything more?

Still, He has customized my world with family, friends, and experiences as tangible proof of that love. Which is mind-blowing to me because so often, I see Him in them and the part that leaves me speechless is that normally it's when I let life take control of itself and I'm not seeking Him like I should be that He shows up in them in the biggest ways. It's the moments where I am the most distracted, the most independent, and where I am seeking other things first, that He reminds me of who He is.

If it was me, in those moments, it would be hard for me to extend that kind of love because I would feel slighted, offended, hurt, or taken for granted. I certainly wouldn't decide to lavish my love on someone in those moments, but He does.

And has over and over again and I'm so thankful. I always hear about how God is our provider and generally, it's regarding finances, but I think He also provides us with the people we need. To smile at the right moment. To say the words we need to hear. To cheer us on. To rejoice with us and weep with us. To be part of the moments that take our breath away- whether they're a leading role or an extra whose name you might not even know. And as messy as people are, I think He gave us each other, so that we could see more of Him.

I believe that with my whole heart because the last year of my life attests to it. I've been changed because of the people in my life. So I'd like to say thank you to all of those who have played a role in my life, big or small, in the past year: Because of you, I saw Jesus.

And what a breathtakingly beautiful sight.